Mother's Day

Ahh, the dreaded day has come and gone and it was much, MUCH harder than I expected. All week leading up to Mother's Day I was heartbroken. I was affected by every commercial, every reminder and every person saying, "Happy Mother's Day," around me. I cried so many of those days leading up to yesterday.

Then yesterday came and I thought I would be fine. I stayed in bed as long as possible and finally got up for breakfast. I was grumpy, but more ok than I expected. Then I took a shower and it all came out. I could not stop crying. I laid in bed for hours just crying and crying like there was no end to my tears. It was miserable, and I felt desperate again, like I did in the very beginning. I felt like I couldn't survive the day.

Eventually my tears dried up, and I survived the day. But holy hell, it sucked. I think it was harder than some of the other dates because it was a day recognized by everyone. While all these people around me were celebrating with their mothers or their children, I was sitting at home crying that my son was taken away from me. I just wanted Jason to get Miles out of bed and bring him in to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I didn't get that. God, I wanted that so bad.

Of course I was also bothered by the fact that so many people don't even view me as a mother. I get it, I don't get to parent and raise my son, but dammit, I gave birth to him, and I want to raise him more than anything in the world. And not getting any recognition at all? It sucks. I did receive some cards in the mail and also quite a few text messages, which were all greatly appreciated.

I'm so glad that the day is over. So very glad. Though I'm afraid that Mother's Day has been forever ruined for me.

Moving Forward

I didn't actually mean to be absent for over a month, it just sort-of happened. Though I hate using 'busy' as an excuse, I do work in the wedding industry and I'm totally overwhelmed by how much work I have to do. I can never get caught up. But, even more than that, I just haven't felt much like complaining lately, which is why I'm writing this post.

I read a lot. Like, ever since I got out of the hospital, its all I want to do. I recently just finished all of Cheryl Strayed's books, but the last one I read was Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar. Basically, for years, Cheryl anonymously wrote an advice column at TheRumpus.net and this is a collection of some of her columns that were published on the site, and some that were not. Though she gives a lot of amazing advice, the overall theme that stuck with me is that we have no control over the things that are dealt to us in life, but we do have control over the way we react to them.

The thing is, we all obviously know this to be true. But, reading those words over and over again, really made me stop to consider what I've been doing. I believe I have a right to be angry and sad, but I also believe that if I continue to live in those stages of grief, I'll end up a miserable person. So, I'm trying to let go of the anger (thats really what we all want anyway, right?), and choose to look at the other things in life, the happy things. Honestly, I have a lot of really good things in my life. The death of Miles has most certainly overshadowed all of those things since the day he passed, and I think that's ok. Moving forward, though, I want to focus on the good. I want to grieve Miles and think of him often and with love, but I don't want to be angry all the damn time. I want to find joy, because there's a chance that I have awhile left on this earth, and I don't want to be stuck being bitter forever.

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments of intense rage, and I still cringe every time someone else (generally an irresponsible person) announces their pregnancy to the world, and I still want to cry every time my sister says, "Oh, my baby just wants her mama," but I don't want those things to rule my life anymore. I don't want to focus on them and get stuck there for weeks.

So, I'm choosing to look forward, and not backward. I might need some help.

Six Months

I know I haven't written in awhile. I guess I'm just not sure what to say anymore. I miss my son. I miss him every. single. day. But, how many times can I say it out loud? And really...does it bring any peace? I'm just not sure.

But, today is a big day. 6 months ago Miles died. 6 months ago I held my son as he passed. I held him that day for the first and last time, and I haven't seen him since. Sometimes, that day feels so far away, but at other times it feels like just yesterday. I still can't believe the world goes on without Miles in it. It just doesn't seem possible. 

I'm writing this today from a decent place. I'm not sure how I got here, or how long it will last, but I'm doing somewhat better. The crying doesn't seem to be as often. The overall sadness seems to have a lightened a tad. I can enjoy things that I never thought I would enjoy again. But then, I realize those things and I feel guilty. I think some day I'll get over the guilt, but right now I'm just feeling it, like all of my emotions, even if it doesn't make sense.

I still miss Miles all the time. There are times when we're driving in the car and Jason says, "I really wish Miles was in the back seat right now," and I wish that too. More than anything. The birthday parties for my nieces and nephews break my heart every single time. Miles should be there playing with his cousins, or having a party of his own. I can't believe I have to miss out on his entire life. I should be able to sleep as much as I do or take on the amount of work I've taken on this year. Zoey should be jealous because her attention should be shared with Miles. There are just so many things that I wish were different. I wish my son were still alive.

What I am...

I've been absent lately. Mostly because I just don't know what to say. I have all these things on my mind, but honestly, I just feel like I'm constantly complaining. So instead, I'm going to do this little thing that I read on Anna's site.

1. I am watching: The Amazing Race

I think I might be the only person still watching this show, but I totally don't care. It just came back and obviously I want the father/son team that both had cancer to win. They're sweet and nice and I can't stand bitchy people. I almost had to give this show up last season with the annoying Sri Lankan twins stole money from another team, didn't get penalized and almost went to the finals. But alas, karma won out and I'm still a fan.

2. I am reading: Peace Like A River by Leif Enger

I've read so many awesome books lately (The Book Thief, Wild, The Bloodletter's Daughter) and I'm struggling a bit with this one. I want to like it, the reviews are great it sounds like an interesting story, but right now I just don't care. I'm only like 30% done though, so hopefully it gets better.

3. I am pinning: Food

I always pin recipes. I love to eat, and I love to cook, and I can't stand eating the same things all the time. My husband says that I try too many new recipes in a week and its overwhelming, but I just don't care. I love looking up recipes, and I love eating new food!

4. I am listening to: Ed Sheeran

I love this guy! Plus, he sang with my other love, Elton John, at the Grammy's and even though I love him, I really wanted Elton to shut up and let Ed Sheeran just sing the song. 

5. I am eating: Greek Fries

Right now my husband and I are frequenting this yummy gyro place near our house. I pretty much love all of their food but I go back for the greek fries. If you've never had them they are normal deep fried french fries with feta, parsley, greek seasoning and some kind-of delicious dressing that definitely has lemon juice and mint in it but I have no idea what else. So good.

6. Different blogs I am loving: 

ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

It Just Gets Stranger

Grieving Dads Project